Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Codependency Workbook for Narcissist Abuse Recovery by Zari Ballard

Author:Zari Ballard [Ballard, Zari]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Published: 2013-09-17T04:00:00+00:00

Exercise 2b:

Silence Appreciation

As we talked about in the last section, the N/S/P creates so much havoc and chaos that we become immune to – and codependent upon - the constant din of the narcissistic nonsense. The noise that he creates, of course, is nothing but a distraction – a play of smoke & mirrors – to divert your attention away from what he knows you know about what he’s really up to. Again, it’s all in the strategy guide for the pathological relationship agenda and the narcissist follows it to a tee. He makes your world so frigging noisy that you can’t possibly pay attention to every suspicious behavior (although you try!) or you’d make yourself crazier than you already are. The narcissist counts on this to happen and so he ramps up the volume with nonsense and bullshit and illogical lies until all you hear is the drone of the Charlie Brown “WUA WUA’s” every time he opens his mouth. Then, while the noise and chaos is swirling all around you, he disappears or pulls a silent treatment because he’s now free to go – at least temporarily – and, although you’ll be suffering as intended – you will have been too distracted to really have connected with his malevolent scheme.

My initiation into the narcissistic world of silent treatments was a prime example of a narcissist’s determination to get the pain just right. For Wayne, at least initially, it was a bumbling disaster because I honestly didn’t get it. A silent treatment? What’s a silent treatment? I swear to you…I didn’t know what that was. I’d never experienced that with anybody, rarely even heard about it, and certainly never expected it. Consequently, the first two times that he tried to implement it, my unassuming reaction was to leave worried notes and voice mails showing nothing but genuine concern for his health and safety. I thought surely he must be dead to be gone so long. This, of course, completely thwarted his plans, forcing him to resort to Plan B which involved making up a quick story, returning quietly to the fold, and committing himself to getting better results the next time around. Damn it, this isn’t working. Doesn’t the stupid bitch know I’m giving her the silent treatment? Since the whole point of a silent treatment is to obviously be silent, I can only imagine his frustration when, by the second week, he realized that I had no clue he was trying to hurt me. At that point, his only option was to settle in, kick up some more chaos, and crank up the narcissistic noise.

A few months later, it was time for Silent Treatment Take 3. Determined to get it right, he cleverly added a little something extra to the mix for the very first time – he changed his cell number. At first, thinking his cell must have run out of minutes, I felt only mildly annoyed. It never even occurred to me that what was happening was deliberate.

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